He Says, She Says: A Relationship Tug-of-War

She Says

I’m 32 years young, single and vibrant. There are no signs of age anywhere on my face or body. I’m fortunate enough to visit Sephora only for the latest NARS products, instead of eyelift creams and skin tighteners.

I have traveled with friends all over, partying in and with the best. My passport was stamped nearly 10 years ago thanks to my fabulous and favorite aunt, Jackie. She made me apply for a summer abroad in China when I was scared shitless to fly across three states to and from college, let alone across the Atlantic Ocean. It’s been on since then.

I’m a cultured girl who can swag out at the club, yet still enjoy a ballet or play. I love black romance comedies, though they are few in number, and I can quote any noteworthy film in Black cinema, including Blaxploitation movies like Superfly and Willie Dynamite.

My bank account is never overdrawn, and despite the excessive shopping, I still manage to maintain a healthy savings account. There are still times, more often than not, that I love coming home to my empty condo. I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. If I want to lay around watching Meryl Streep movies until tears roll into each of my ears or put on a one-woman fashion show with the designer clothes that bulge from my closet, I can do that. Life is indeed, good, but something is missing.

You guessed it: A man. I want to be married. Well, someday. It seems like it’s happening for everyone else.

I, along with millions of other African-American women, want to be married, but it seems to be a dream deferred. I’m not so naïve that I don’t know what the problem is. It isn’t me; it’s them. They’re simply not ready, but they should be by now!

I don’t understand how full-grown men continue to do the same things they’ve done since age 18: play video games, club constantly and sleep with as many women as their stamina will allow. Am I crazy for feeling like I’ve done everything there is to do except the very thing that matters most? A committed relationship isn’t be the be-all and end-all of my life. I have so many other things I’ve yet to do and see, but I want to share my future with someone else.

Kanye West said it best in “I Wonder” from his Graduation album, “On that independent shit/Trade it all for a husband and some kids.” I love me some Yeezy, but damn, I wish he wasn’t right about this one.

So where does that leave women like me who know their worth and aren’t willing to take the first man we see? Are we really expected to wait around until they’ve sown their wild oats and mastered every Madden game? Call me impatient, but I want what I want now. I think I’ve waited long enough. What’s a girl to do?

 

He Says

Wait, did you say marriage? You and my mama have been talking, right? Everything has a season, but I don’t think this is mine for marriage. I’m 34-years-old with a pretty decent job that didn’t happen overnight. Here’s something women don’t understand about men, mainly me: I can love you through and through, trust you and actually want you to be my wife…one day. But, there’s this factor called financial stability.

Marriage is a huge responsibility, and it takes money. While the woman is salivating over wedding dresses and place settings, we are looking far ahead into the future. How will we provide for you and us? What about kids? Can we maintain our lifestyles? It took me years to land a job with real earning potential, which would even allow the thought of marriage to cross my mind. Now I’m well into my 30s and the world has cracked wide open for me.

You have no idea the advantage a 30-something single man with a good job and no children has in dating. My boys and I call it “The Glow” because women see it and flock to it. They’ve fallen for the man shortage statistics, so they all go for the guy with “The Glow.” There seems to be only a small percentage of us, but really, women just aren’t looking in the right places.

So, when a woman or two—or three treat me as if I’m their man exclusively, I let them. They know from the beginning that I don’t want to be in a relationship. They go along with it only because they believe they can change my mind. I mean what I say, and there aren’t enough home-cooked meals or Kama Sutra positions to change that.

The truth is I’d love to find that woman I can spend the rest of my life with. My kid would have my wife’s eyes, my mama’s knack for making anyone feel at home or my strong work ethic. Maybe I’d have all that by now, but the one woman I truly loved told me, contrary to my thinking, our long-term relationship had an expiration date. I didn’t want to, but my pride let it expire anyway without a fight.

What’s the big rush to get married anyway? It’s way too many other things to do besides getting married one person, sleeping with that one person forever and having a house full of kids who will probably run me crazy. There’s a life to live and money to be made. I think women need to calm down, and just be patient. To the women I’m dating who want to be with me exclusively, unfortunately, I’m just not ready. I’m enjoying everything the universe has for me. I won’t be made to do anything by anyone. It’s not an issue of selfishness, but an issue of coping with the truth.I hope when I am ready to settle down, there’s someone left for me to love. I doubt I have that problem though. The world is mine.

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In a society where African-American men and women are pitted against each other in media and real-life relationships, conversation about our lives and how mates will fit into them is imperative. Are the differences in our thinking attributed to a cultural shift or was John Gray right when he penned Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Each gender clearly struggles with its own issues which, in fact, could be simply be the distinct differences in the X and Y-chromosomes. This tug of war begs the most important question of all: Will we ever learn to compromise or will we continue to witness the demise of the African-American relationship?

What I’ve Learned, But Should’ve Already Known in the Crazy World of Writing

1. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

There was awesome event going here, and I wanted to pitch it to an unlikely publication. A good friend and colleague passed along an editor’s contact information. The editor and I emailed and talked (gasp) about the possibility of me doing the story. She forewarned that just because I wrote the story didn’t mean it would be run since she’d never worked with me before. In other words, don’t get geeked up to be paid. She’s seen my blog and clips, but needed something more. No problem. I write because I love. It not so much the money all the time.

The story couldn’t be done as a “before” piece, so I would cover it and send it to be featured as a recap. I submitted it. No response. I followed up. No response. Finally, she responded that she’d received the story and liked it, but still wasn’t sure about running it. Give her a day or two. When our mutual friend suggested I call to follow-up, I felt a tad uncomfortable. My short career in media relations taught me that editors have zero time to chit-chat, but I called anyway. She answered and I could hear that “damn, you again? I’ve other things to do” tone in her voice. To wrap it up, she told me she liked my writing style, but didn’t think it was going to work. Get back with her in about two weeks. I did. Again, no response. In the words of the great and tardy Lauryn Hill, “You might win some, but you just lost one.”

Always check with your contact and no one else before you write a story.

Depending on who you’re writing for, you may have contact with editors, editorial assistants and only God knows who else. Only accept assignments and begin writing them after you’ve gotten a complete understanding of your responsibilities, deadlines, etc. from your initial contact, unless told otherwise. It’s just not good business if you don’t. That’s all I have to say about that.

Your work has value, so you should be compensated (somehow).

How many times have you heard this statement in discussions about careers and passion?: “Find something you’d do for free.” Yes, I’ve used this a comfort statement when editors tell me they aren’t able to pay writers.

Example: After writing a paid story for a publication, I inquired about the pay for another story I was working on. The editor stood on her soapbox and told me there are writers who are happy to write strictly for the art and to have their work published is more than enough, blah, blah, blah. Those are valid points, but still, miss me with that. Let’s be real. Writing takes time and energy. I prefer researched stories over opinion pieces, which include finding and sometimes chasing down sources, interviewing, transcribing and rewriting. Honestly, if I put in the work, I want people to read my words, but I really hope I can be paid, too.

Do I write for free? Yes, but not nearly as much as I used to.  Sometimes there are issues I want to tackle, and I think they’d be perfect for a particular publication. If they don’t compensate, I write it anyway because it’s important to me, and I get a thrill from seeing my name in the byline (read this to find out about writers’ narcissistic ways). It’s actually been the clips that I wasn’t paid for that got me in the door to paid gigs. Also, just because a publication doesn’t start out paying doesn’t mean they won’t ever. If you’re committed to writing and willing to write for free longterm, sometimes that patience pays off, literally.

If you have bills to pay, that’s another ballgame, but if you’re still on the fence about working for free versus working for pay, check this chart out I picked up from Parlour Magazine founder, Shannon Washington’s personal blog post, Your Work, Your Worth. It’s actually from Jessica Hische’s site, Should I Work For Free? She and this are brilliant.

Don’t pitch the idea until you know the publication is taking on freelancers for sure.

That’s code for don’t give your ideas away. In the event that your idea is original to be accepted, you hate to see it covered by someone else (look here for a list of  rejected pitches to  San Diego Magazine via Erin Meanley). Since my pitch didn’t work out with the local paper, I put a rush on it, and tried another publication. I knew finding contacts at this magazine is like pulling teeth. I inquired about freelancing opportunities, but to speed up the process, I included the pitch. I don’t usually do that, as many smaller pubs produce content strictly in-house. I’d seen a few non-staffers’ bylines before, so I gave it a go. Within three days, I received a reply. *fist pump* It read:

“Thanks Alisha! We don’t typically accept freelance submissions (we have a handful of regular freelancers we work with but you’d need to talk with editor (in-chief)  about that. I do like the idea for the *** story though. We may have one of our staffers follow up on that.”

No, sir, you don’t understand. It’s my idea, therefore, I want to write it. Duh. Sure enough, I logged on to their site the very next week and a staffer had covered the story. I can’t say I wasn’t irked beyond belief. Oh well, those are the breaks. If I’d known they didn’t use freelancers, I never would have sent my pitch. Patience is a virtue.

Experience is the best teacher, and I’m still learning every day.

*Image is from Getty Images

Advice for Writers: Not So Fast and How to Deal With Rejection

The fact that I even included “Advice for Writers” in a title of my blog post speaks volumes. I’ve always been a writer, but I didn’t aggressively pursue freelance writing, really, until I was a few years into my first professional full-time job. Not including being published in my university’s newspaper, The Digest, a few pesky things like becoming infatuated with public relations and attending graduate school for PR, instead of journalism got in the way. I’ll tell that story someday, but moving on.

Honestly, I’ve only been at this thing seriously since my first story was published in the inaugural 2007 issue of Clutch. I guess you could say it’s been on ever since….kind of. Over the years, I’ve gotten a few emails from readers who want to know how to break into freelancing. My usual response is simply pitching editors and yes, sometimes writing for free to build your clips. Regarding pitching stories, all you can do is ask, and all they say is ‘no.’ The catch is being prepared and putting your best foot forward.

Some people say walking takes too long, but I say with walking you can’t go wrong. Why should you rush your way trough life? You won’t get there if you’re running all the time.

- Walking (Mary Mary)

How did I begin writing for Clutch? Editor-in-chief, Dede Sutton wrote a blog called “Clutch & Lipglass.” I followed her for a while and read about her starting Clutch.  After reading about the mission and manifesto of the magazine, I emailed her and sent writing samples. Voila’! She and Clutch were gifts sent from God, but there were many other times I was given the “no-sir” by editors. It’s the way of the world for freelancers, so why not write about that experience and how to recoup from it? Here’s a snippet of my latest work published on Mediabistro.com:

What to Do When Your Pitch is Rejected

5 Tips to Help Recover Your Query From the Slush Pile

At any given minute, a writer somewhere is being told ‘no’ by magazine editors, book agents, consulting clients, and these days, even potential connections on LinkedIn.Aspiring freelance journalist Ishea Brown Arnold says she might have received the quickest rejection email in history after pitching a story idea to a popular online women’s magazine.

“I was both excited and slightly nervous to pitch my first story idea,” says Arnold. ”Imagine my surprise when [the editor] responded to my email within five minutes. I attempted to throw a few more story ideas her way and was once again shut down in record time.”

Even the most established scribes know that for every 10 ideas they generate, a paltry one or two might actually result in a byline. But if you are committed to your craft and story, stick to it. Rejection may be inescapable, but it’s the recovery that makes all the difference.

What One Publication Won’t Accept, Another Will Pitching is as unpredictable as a roll of dice, says Demetria L. Lucas, relationships editor at Essence. “Sometimes you can pitch something to say, six or seven different magazines, and the first six will say, ‘Eh, it’s not really for us,’ but the seventh will say, ‘I think this is great.’ Sometimes somebody will pitch something and it’ll be a great story, but not for us.”

Short story writer and author Dolen Perkins-Valdez avoided rejection of her novel Wench because she didn’t submit the manuscript prematurely. She also says writers often are too preoccupied with the logistics of book publishing, instead of perfecting the material first.”

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You’ll have to read the rest here, but it requires an AvantGuild membership on Mediabistro.com. It’s a great source of insider information for writers–new writers especially. It’s worth it.

I am in no way an expert on the do’s and don’ts of journalism. I’ll leave that to Aliyah S. King. I can tell you what I know from experience though, and the most important thing is to try, and remember it’s a walk, not a race. I think I’ll make this my first post in a writing series (I’ll think of a title later).

Here’s Mary Mary’s latest single, “Walking.” It describes what I’m talking about. While you’re at it, check out my (old) interview with them on Clutch.

30 Things Every Woman Should Have Before She Turns 30

 

I just wrote of the most depressing blog posts ever, so it’s time to lighten up. It’s Friday! I’ll be 30 in about three months. I’m praying I don’t go into that reflective mode that so many 30-year-olds go into where I knitpick everything I haven’t done by 30. But if I do, here’s a list to start with. This reposted from Jovian Zayne’s blog, Word Up, Haay, but taken from The Frisky by Wendy Atterberry.

1. Clothes that fit the size she is now, not the size she was five years ago

2. A weekly income that covers the rent (or mortgage payment)

3. An orgasm

4. Always enough toilet paper

5. A hair stylist she trusts

6. A favorite song, porn site, image, movie or fantasy that always gets her in the mood

7. Health insurance

8. A signature drink

9. A healthy relationship with her parents

10. Bras in the correct size

11. Enough alcohol in her home to offer drop-by guests a cocktail

12. An emergency hangover remedy

13. A voter registration card

14. A wardrobe that includes the perfectly flattering little black dress, a great pair of heels, jeans that make her ass look great, and a cute hat that hides a bad hair day

15. A yearly appointment with her gynecologist

16. The name of reliable movers to give her friends when they ask for help relocating

17. The gumption to ask a man out

18. A group of girlfriends who get it

19. A set of tools (and the ability to use them … even if it’s just to hang a piece of art)

20. A balanced checkbook

21. No interest in men who just aren’t that into her

22. A vacation to look forward to at least once a year

23. A good bulls**t detector

24. The courage to stand up for herself and her beliefs

25. A favorite sex position

26. A set of hand towels so guests don’t have dry their hands on her bath towel (gross!)

27. Enough self-love to avoid and break off unhealthy friendships and relationships

28. A commitment to exercise

29. A retirement fund

30. A great vibrator

*And if you’re already past 30, it’s late, but not too late to tackle this list!

Writing Update: New Piece on ForHarriet.com

 

 

Finally, finally, I think I’m out of my writing slump. Think is the operative word. Check me out in ForHarriet.com, another great site for Black women. I’m discussing African-American heroes and Wayne State University professor, Danielle McGuire’s new book, At the Dark End of the Street: Black Women, Rape, and Resistance– A New History of the Civil Rights Movement from Rosa Parks to the Rise of Black Power.

http://www.forharriet.com/2010/11/african-american-heroes-are-we-being.html

Later!

Rewind—Fast Foward

I’m up on a Saturday at 8:30 p.m. writing. This is the way it should be. Since I claim I want to be a writer, I often think about what other writers I follow and admire do. I envision them sitting at their laptops at all hours of the night and day writing–putting something down on the blank page. I imagine them coming up with blog topics at the spur of the moment and putting them in their iPhones and Blackberrys so they’ll remember (I’ve started to do that, too!).  I imagine them sitting in Starbucks and bookstores pushing material out to meet deadlines and also just for the pure joy of writing. I imagine them not going a day without doing any of that.

That’s amazing considering I’ve gone a full six days without writing. My excuses reasons were it’s been a rough week, I was hella tired and my favorite: I didn’t have anything to write about.

Straight bullshit. I live in a world where high-profile celebrities and politicians’ daughters are making their marks as porn stars and makeup thieves. Even as I speak , someone is criticizing my First Lady for taking a trip to Spain with her daughter, no different from what past white First Ladies have done.

There’s always something to write about. Even if it’s just the things in my head. I have no excuse. So today, I declare a new start. To get me on track, I’m going to get the random stuff out. Here goes….

—–Break——

Okay, obviously, that’s what I wrote on Saturday. At that very moment, I received a call from my mom telling me  my grandmother was having emergency surgery because she broke her hip. I cried. A lot. Today, I feel much better thanks to nonstop prayer and family. She’s doing fairly well, but the recovery will be tough. And she WILL recover.

So today, I’m going to start over in this writing thing the best I can. My mind is truly blank right now, but luckily, I found something to keep me on track. Ishea at Six Twenty Seven is participating in a 30 Day Blog Challenge. I need something to hold me accountable, and despite everything that’s going on, I have to keep living. And living for me includes writing. Here are the rules:

Day 01 – Introduce yourself

Day 02 – Your first love

Day 03 – Your parents

Day 04 – What you ate today

Day 05 – Your definition of love

Day 06 – Your day

Day 07 – Your best friend

Day 08 – A moment

Day 09 – Your beliefs

Day 10 – What you wore today

Day 11 – Your siblings

Day 12 – What’s in your bag

Day 13 – This week

Day 14 – What you wore today

Day 15 – Your dreams

Day 16 – Your first kiss

Day 17 – Your favorite memory

Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

Day 19 – Something you regret

Day 20 – This month

Day 21 – Another moment

Day 22 – Something that upsets you

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

Day 25 – A first

Day 26 – Your fears

Day 27 – Your favorite place

Day 28 – Something that you miss

Day 29 – Your aspirations

Day 30 – One last moment

I guess I should make today Day 1.

Writing Update: Piece Published in Clutch Magazine

Well, what do you know, the lovely ladies at Clutch Magazine reposted my blog about the Alicia Keys/Swizz Beatz drama. Read it here, if you didn’t read the first version. (I made some changes.) What a way to start off a new week!

The Stories of People: Dancing in the Dark

I remember how I felt when we first kissed. Something else had suddenly taken over me. I knew I should stop touching you, but I couldn’t. I was powerless. Spellbound.

It was so gentle and passionate. When our lips finally parted from each other’s, only one thought came to mind…

I wanted to dance with you. At that very moment. Crazy, right?

Not bumping and grinding or whining to a slow beat. But your arms wrapped around me, holding me close, just moving. Swaying. Rocking to the beat of our souls. The kind of dancing that only required me closing my eyes and being engulfed in your scent. There would be nothing but the sound of our exhales, so we didn’t need music. All we needed was us.

Organic closeness. Simplistic intimacy.

I wanted to dance with you.

Writing: New Stuff

While I love blogging about “stuff,” in addition to honing my skills and getting my thoughts out, the goal is to get pieces published by reputable magazines and other publications. From time to time, that happens. Here’s my latest piece for Clutch Magazine. Shout out to Dede Sutton, owner and creative director, who gave me my first official break as an online writer.

Men, Women and the List: A Recipe for Failure?

I AM in Charge of the Girls

When I was in elementary school, probably around fifth and sixth grade, I was on the majorette squad. We wore royal blue leotards with silver and red sequins embroidered on the neckline with the signature white tasselled boots. We had dance routines to songs like MC Hammer’s “Too Legit to Quit” and an old school bass song, “Give It All You Got.” Our first major performance was in a competition at a community center for area schools and community groups. Looking back, I realize how hood my school was, but we and our advisors thought we were the classiest of the participating teams.

I remember seeing girls younger and smaller than me pop and shake to “Boom, I Got Your Boyfriend” and Luke’s “I Wanna Rock Right Now” (wait, maybe that was us!) I couldn’t believe these girls were moving body parts I didn’t even know I had yet. My mom hated to see me or any little girl in our neighborhood “gyratin’ and carrying on.” “It just looks bad,” she would say. As I continue my journey into adulthood, I understand fully what Mama meant.

If you haven’t seen this video, please, watch it. They were discussing it on Anderson Cooper 360.

Now, usually, I would say, “I blame Beyonce.” Nope, not this time. I blame the parents, the dance instructors and the competition coordinators. Someone tell me why or how this is appropriate. If you didn’t know, these girls are about seven years old. What adds insult to injury is the fact that these girls are DAMN GOOD. That little one in the middle is giving it to the crowd. When she hit the quadruple turn, I wanted to jump up and shout, “Get it, girl!” but then I remembered that she has a two-piece outfit moving better than Beyonce, who’s my age. It’s a shame, indeed.

What are your thoughts?