Tough Love

Dating is an art—an art that I have yet to master, I’ll admit. I’m watching the second season of Tough Love as I type. As I continue to watch, it makes me wonder how many relationships there are that are doomed before they even begin because they are based on the assumptions of the opposite sex. How many women and men are in relationships to compensate for a void in childhood or mistakes in other relationship? I figure, oh, about a million.

Steve, the host and dating expert gives us women what I call, “little gems of knowledge.” I’ve been listening. Some things I hadn’t really thought about and others were just confirmation. Either way, it’s definitely something worth thought and discussion. 

“Rejection is a part of life.”

Uh, yeah. This is a no-brainer. No one succeeds in everything. No one gets to be with every person he/she thinks they are destined to be with. Even though we know this, it still doesn’t take the sting out. That guy I think is so hot and the one for me may not feel the same way about me. In fact, he could not be attracted to me at all. The question to this statement is: How do we deal with rejection (on any level)? I’ll admit I’m not the best handler of rejection when it comes to relationships. I live to have the upperhand. When the opposite occurs, it bothers me. I don’t bust windows out, begin to hate the guy (maybe disgust. lol) or cry profusely. I hold it in internally. None of the above options are good.

From the professional aspect, as a freelance writer, I’m rejected a ton! Emails aren’t answered. Editors dissect and kill my ideas. I’m reminded of my lacklaster approach to my dream whenever I see another writer’s great peice in a mag or online. It’s a part of the process. It’s a part of life. So why do we feel relationships are so different? Guess what They’re not really.

“Men can’t go back sexually.”

Funny, Chris Rock has a joke about this. I first heard it at Essence Music Festival last year and thought it was hilarious. A man who has had a sexual act performed as a regular part of sex cannot go back to not having it done. You have his ex-girlfriend from 1998 to thank for that one!

In the area of dating, this is where women go wrong: Because we don’t want to be seen as overbearing, we play this “go with the flow” role, we just do whatever without deep thought or a specific goal in mind. Whatever could be a heavy makeout session, sex and even more sex. Soon after, we see something is missing and think, “Hey, I think we should back up and get to know each other. What about ______?”

We decide to have a diplomatic talk with the guy, telling him we should chill on whatever we’re doing. Guy spazzes out or is just simply confused as hell. Yes, I’ve been that woman and I can say it didn’t go over well. The guy even told me, “I can’t go back; I won’t go back.” Okaayy.

In my mind, he was not compromising and seemed to be focused only on what he wanted, rather than what I wanted (because it’s always about me). He was selfish and now there was no middle ground. I couldn’t see past my own wants to realize that men have egos, too. He didn’t know what to think. As my male bff says, “Is she knocking somebody else down? Was I doing something wrong? What the fuck?” I don’t do grey areas and apparently, neither did he. In the end, we had to cut all ties.  

Now, as I’ve matured, I get where he was coming from. It’s amazing how long it takes men and women to understand each other. We really are from different planets.


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