Conspiracy Theories & the Booty Pop

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Now that that’s out of the way, let me get on to the get-on.

It’s my mantra that anything offered on commercials that air before 9 a.m. should be avoided at all costs. That includes lawyer commercials, rapid tax refund companies and exercise equipment, too. I don’t trust them. Last week, as I was getting dressed for work, this foolishness came on….I know you’ve seen it:

What in the hell is this tomfoolery??? This shouldn’t be a big deal. How many times have Beyonce , J-Lo and now, Nicki Minaj been accused of wearing butt pads, right? The fact the world’s obsession with big asses has become a mainstream phenomenon, resulting in infomercials and rave reviews from nationally syndicated morning shows and women’s magazines does not sit well with me. Check it:

Yeah, you see it. This is where the conspiracy theory comes in: They’re trying to change up the game and I don’t appreciate it. Everyone knows that Caucasians and African Americans are generally culturally different. No one race is better than the other (although I’m obviously biased). The rules have always been as follows: White folks are into breasts. Men go crazy over the “rack” or “jugs.” Black folks are into the ass. From rap lyrics to videos, Stevie Wonder can see that African American men like “something to hold on to.” Let’s explore that, shall we?

Rap lyrics:

“I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny.”

-Sir Mix-a-Lot, Baby Got Back (should’ve seen that one coming)

“Have some wins some losses, just a life of a godamn boss’s. With the top off lookin for a girl with a ass as fat as Tracee Ross’s.”

-Kanye West, Go Hard

“Yeah, I take a woman shopping in a store quick. Her ass big, she just tryin’ to make a FOUR fit.”

-Drake, Best I Ever Had

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly I don’t think you’re ready for this ’cause my body’s too bootylicious for ya babe.”

-Destiny’s Child, Bootylicious *

Start at 2:37

Why are the white folks trying to get big booties now? I’ll tell you why! It’s not to make their clothes fit better or to have a shapelier body. It’s another ploy to reel in our black men. (Please, take this lightly). Due to slavery and history as a whole, some black men just have to have a white women. What better way for him to “have his cake and eat it, too” than to have a white woman (who could or could not be attractive, up to par, etc.) with a big ass (or what seems to be a big one)? It’s the perfect formula, don’t you think? I’ve seen friends firsthand pick their jaws up from the floor after seeing a white woman with a rear that doesn’t resemble flapjacks. It’s damn near like looking at a freak of nature to them, I suppose.

All I’m asking is that we stick to the script. Perhaps white women thought we flipped the script when we starting buying Indian hair by the truckload. Who knows? Ya’ll keep the fascination with breasts and tans and we’ll keep the fascination with big butts. **

Please and thank you.
*FTR: The word, “bootylicious” was added to the Oxford Dictionary in 2006 with the meaning, “sexually attractive, sexy; shapley”. So, yes, in a sense, I blame Bey and nem. Moreso, Bey!

** Men of all races and cultures have body part preferences. Some AA men prefer breasts over backsides, as some white men prefer the opposite. Sorry to have ommitted Asians, etc.


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