Questions I’ll Probably Never Know the Answers To

Why does LisaRaye wear all white?

I know it’s her signature, but why white? I’m sure she’s explained this at some point, but of course, I wasn’t paying attention.

Why is it so hard to perfectly fold a  fitted sheet?

For the life of me, I can’t figure this one out. The gathers and elastic on the corners won’t let me be great. It might as well be a Rubix Cube.

Why do people think it’s okay to pull up to the Express/10 Items or less with a basket full of food?

Um, I know you can read. Yeah, I know there’s probably only two lanes open on a holiday weekend, but you still have to follow the rules. When I was a cashier at Target, I was constantly giving customers the side-eye and telling them, “Ma’am, you have more than 10 items….” Hate me now.

Why does Derek J insist on wearing his legs out?

Let it be known that I’m still not okay with a grown-ass man wearing a mustache and goatee with a chiffon blouse, but whatever works for you. No matter who or what you are, the rules are the same. Find your best body parts and accentuate them. Who in the hell told him his short stubby legs were it? I just can’t. I bet he doesn’t shave them either.

Why do couples, twins and best friends have joint accounts on social networks?

How many times have I seen “James and Lenora Williams” as a Facebook page or “SheenaandTeena” on Twitter. I don’t get it. Unless you run a business together or are  just plain crazy and insecure, you should have your own identity. Just my thoughts.

Why are weather reports are so long?

Unless there’s a storm or natural disaster on the way, I’ve never understood why it takes hours to tell me there’s a high of 84, with a 20 percent chance of rain.

Why do people take the elevator to the second floor?

It never fails. I’m on my way to the sixth floor of my work building, usually in a rush, some fool saunters on to the elevator and press the second floor button. That kills me! You couldn’t take the steps on the side? That’s our problem now: we don’t exercise.

Why did Public Enemy have a drill team?

I bet you I can look at Wikipedia right now and find out. Was it a tribute to the Black Panthers? It just all seemed to be too much, though it worked. You have a real rapper, a DJ who could double as a Wrestlemania act, two to four guys doing drills in army attire and Flavor Flav’s crazy ass. I see why white folks were scared. Fight the power!

Why is there an app for the Royal Wedding?

I love Kate Middleton’s style, and I know we stepchildren in the States are prone to become obsessed with any and everything. The fascination was to be expected, as the media ogled over the First Family once upon a time. An app though? I guess we have to feel needed in some kind of way, and a smart phone app will fill the void. Oh, America.

Who authorized this foolishness?

No explanation needed, but LMAO!!

Advertisements

Five Songs for the Other Woman

So the good people on “Black Twitter” tell me today is “National Side Chick Day.” I assume you know what a side chick is, but I’ll let Urban Dictionary define it in all its glorious rachetness:

A woman that is one level above a jump off but always a step below the wife, wifey, girlfriend. A side b*tch must know her part. She does not get holiday’s, birthday’s (other than her own). While he may meet your family. You will never meet his. A side b*tch is a woman who will have sex on Feb. 1-13 and spend Valentines day alone.

OUCH!

Evidently National Side Chick Day is the “other woman’s” Valentine’s Day. Since the man’s with his “main” woman on Love Day, the side chick gets February 15th, when everything is 50 percent off. I usually wouldn’t make light of this because it’s indeed, sad, but it happens daily. How do I know? Because songs have been written and recorded about it for years. I present to you the top five songs by women who were knowingly the side chick:

Saving All My Love For You ~ Whitney Houston

“….You’ve got your family, and they need you there. Though I try to resist being last on your list, but no other man’s gonna do…”

Uh huh, Whitney was creeping way back in the day before Bobby.

I’m So Into You ~ SWV

“Friends ask how could I give myself to someone who belongs to someone else. They just don’t know, your love’s so good that they would want it for themselves.”

He’s Mine ~ Mokenstef

“He might be doing you, but he’s thinking about me…”  *Slow blink* (I never got that one.)

As We Lay ~ Shirley Murdock

“I would never want to hurt her, no, no. She would never understand. You belong to me for just one night as we slept the night away…”

I’ll Be the Other Woman ~ The Soul Children featuring Betty Wright

“I’ll be the other woman all your life just as long as I’m the only one besides your wife.” (Well damn. *Gucci voice*)

To the women who are content being second, gold star for you. We all make choices, and we all have to live with them. If you think you’re the side chick, you probably are. Women’s intuition never lies. Lastly, people don’t like to admit it, but sometimes, side chicks become the #1 woman. Either way, it’s stressful at the least. You might as well enjoy some good music while you’re at it. Somebody out there feels your pain.

30 Things Every Woman Should Have Before She Turns 30

 

I just wrote of the most depressing blog posts ever, so it’s time to lighten up. It’s Friday! I’ll be 30 in about three months. I’m praying I don’t go into that reflective mode that so many 30-year-olds go into where I knitpick everything I haven’t done by 30. But if I do, here’s a list to start with. This reposted from Jovian Zayne’s blog, Word Up, Haay, but taken from The Frisky by Wendy Atterberry.

1. Clothes that fit the size she is now, not the size she was five years ago

2. A weekly income that covers the rent (or mortgage payment)

3. An orgasm

4. Always enough toilet paper

5. A hair stylist she trusts

6. A favorite song, porn site, image, movie or fantasy that always gets her in the mood

7. Health insurance

8. A signature drink

9. A healthy relationship with her parents

10. Bras in the correct size

11. Enough alcohol in her home to offer drop-by guests a cocktail

12. An emergency hangover remedy

13. A voter registration card

14. A wardrobe that includes the perfectly flattering little black dress, a great pair of heels, jeans that make her ass look great, and a cute hat that hides a bad hair day

15. A yearly appointment with her gynecologist

16. The name of reliable movers to give her friends when they ask for help relocating

17. The gumption to ask a man out

18. A group of girlfriends who get it

19. A set of tools (and the ability to use them … even if it’s just to hang a piece of art)

20. A balanced checkbook

21. No interest in men who just aren’t that into her

22. A vacation to look forward to at least once a year

23. A good bulls**t detector

24. The courage to stand up for herself and her beliefs

25. A favorite sex position

26. A set of hand towels so guests don’t have dry their hands on her bath towel (gross!)

27. Enough self-love to avoid and break off unhealthy friendships and relationships

28. A commitment to exercise

29. A retirement fund

30. A great vibrator

*And if you’re already past 30, it’s late, but not too late to tackle this list!

Do Single Women Get a Day Off?

During my commute to work, I was channel surfing and landed on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. I listen to him often, and I was disappointed to find that I’d just missed the dating segment by a few seconds. Steve was talking with a guy, 27, who had gone out on the blind date. Through all of his hit or miss jokes and banter with the guy, he made a statement that caught my attention.

Ladies,  if you are single and on the market looking for a husband, you don’t get a day off.

If you missed the hidden clues, he meant a day off from looking “good.” In summary, Harvey went on to say that single women should always advertise their goods because men are visual creatures. Show them something. You’ll miss your potential husband looking “tore up from the floor up.”

Shirley, one of the co-hosts, said it’s okay for a woman to have an Off Day. What if she’s just running to Wal-Mart or on a quick errand in the Errand Go-To Outfit, tank and jogging pants? Steve said that’s a no-no. No man wants to look at a woman in sweatpants with tears, grease stains and holes in them.

What do ladies and men think about the “No Day Off” policy? Is it fair? Should men have the same rule?

I have my thoughts, but first, we should establish exactly what a “day on” means. Does it mean I can’t rock my ponytail (usually the day before or of my salon appointment) every now and then? Should I come out dressed in heels and a full face of make-up? I know many who do it. I can’t say it makes much sense (especially in this heat), but anyway.

There’s a way to look presentable to the public and men, specifically without being over the top.  Some women either don’t know or haven’t mastered the art. We’ll call them the Extremists: They’re always either on 10 or -1. Never in between. How exhausting to be on both ends regularly! I am often told by friends, “We’re just going to eat. Don’t get all jazzy!” While, I won’t always wear four-inch heels to a casual restaurant, I never (ever) wear tennis shoes either. (It’s just not in me. Sorry). But even in the most casual settings, you should still look your best, whatever that may be.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to draft rules for an Undercover Day Off. These are days when you just don’t feel like going all the way “there.” I think we deserve those days, too. Ask any woman whose job is to be “on” 24/7, I”m sure you’ll say it’s exhausting. Keep in mind, these may not apply to you because quite frankly, we’re different.

Do not leave home without earrings on. Sorry, ladies. You don’t get a pass on this one. Nothing bothers me more than an earring hole without an earring in it. That goes for women and men. If you think hanging earrings are a bit much, please, get your stud game up.

Extreme: Evelyn, president of the Big Earrings Society

If jeans are your standard casual or dress wear, please find jeans that fit properly. No “Mom Jeans,” but avoid the blinged-out-so-tight-you have a camel toe jeans, too. Aren’t you just going to drop a book off at the library? Calm down.

If you have a Bad Hair Day, find a style that works for you. It could be a sleek ponytail, or if the ponytail is a mess, too, try a bun. A decorative headband. Anything that keeps your hair in place. If you’re going to wear a hair piece,  please make sure it matches.  

Jada Pinkett’s wonderful ponytail.

ATLEAST wear lipgloss. There’s no need to walk around looking like Tyrone Biggums. Don’t want to spend money on high-end lip glosses? Get some Carmex. Try the Milani line at Walgreens. Something. You don’t have to have a fully beaten face to look pretty. I was told by my aunt, a longtime Mary Kay consultant, that no woman should leave home with powder on. If you agree, DON’T go cheap on that. Invest in a good foundation/powder. MAC is your friend. Find her.

Conversely, looking like a clown isn’t an option either. Dont’ have your own personal makeup artist? Natural and light is always the way to go.

via Coco and Creme

Find clothes that fit well and accentuate your body. When I was a frehsman in college, there was a group of girls, who always wore basic tees from Gap, jeans and flat sandals/flip-flops. The highest heel I ever saw any of them wear was a two-inch wedge, maybe. A striped t-shirt and jeans isn’ the sexiest ensemble, so I couldn’t figure out how they looked so “together” and “classic.”  I, on the other hand, was killing myself walking the campus in stilettos, tight jeans and trendy shirts. I finally figured out that their clothes fit them to the T. Though they were basic pieces, they were still able to show their figures without going off the deep end. It works.

Ms. Berry makes casual look so easy.

Wear accessories, but keep them to a minimum. Yes, I’ve done it, too, but contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to wear bangles up to your elbows or earrings bigger than your head to complete an outfit. A simple bangle or a signature ring and/or watch work, as well.

Always wear perfume–find a signature fragrance if you can. Mama always told me that. (I know you’re reading this. Shocked, aren’t you?) No, you can’t see perfume, but you can smell it. The sense of smell is far more enticing than sight. I can’t be the only one who smells memories (grandmama’s cooking, an old flame). Even though you’re not wearing that form-fitting dress and “Eff Him Girl Pumps,” your scent may cause him to look twice.

Courtesy of Marie Claire

Now, that that’s out of the way,  let’s talk about it. What do you think about “No Day Off” policy? What are you “off days” like, if you have them? Men, do you agree with “all-knowing” Steve Harvey?

Theme Music: Everyone Should Have Some

Like always, I was on Twitter…tweeting. Kanye finally dropped a new song, “Power” featuring Dwele last week. Kanye and Dwele? It must be hot. Before I listened, I asked followers if it was better than “Flashing Lights” since I now compare every Ye’ song to it (with the exception of anything from College Dropout. That’s vintage Kanye,’ and it’s not even 10 years old yet.

I got this response from @Enid19: ” It’s straight. But Flashing Lights is theme music! You play that in your head when walking and serving major ‘tude!”

She is so right. She can’t get no righter. “Flashing Lights” is major theme music. I remember Nip/Tuck’s season trailer was put to that song. Fire. That got me to thinking, what songs do I consider to my theme songs? Everyone has those songs that give them an extra pep in their step. Those songs that make you say, “I’m feelin’ myself right now.” I have about five. And yes, I expect to totally skip over some that should be obvious.

1.Excuse Me Miss ~ Jay-Z: From the first time I heard this song, I must’ve kept it on repeat for hours. Only my linesisters know the real story behind this song, but in addition to that, it’s just so damn sexy. By far, my favorite Jay song.

2. Flashing Lights ~ Kanye West: Believe it or not, this was really on my list. If I’d directed the video, there would have actually been actually flashing lights in the video. Have you heard it live? Sick.

3. On Fire ~ Weezy: Yeah, this song really does it for me. Maybe it’s the way they flipped that sample. Ignore the video, pay attention to the beat (and the words-kinda)

4. Booty ~ Erykah Badu: The Analog Girl showed confidence ain’t got nothing on, um, body parts.

5. Nasty Girl ~ Vanity 6: Again, no explanation. Every woman should love this–nasty girl, or not. It’s produced by PRINCE!

6. PYT ~ Michael Jackson: Did you really think I was going to have a list without Michael Jackson? I shudder at the thought.

7. Knock Yaself Out ~ Jadakiss: Tell me you don’t hit the runway (in your head) when you hear this…..No? I don’t believe you.

Honorable Mention(s) There She Goes ~ Babyface/ Pretty Girls ~ Wale

What are some of your personal theme songs?

The Checklist

It’s not the checklist you’re thinking about. This isn’t the “These Are All of the Requirements for My Perfect Man Who Doesn’t Actually Exist List.” I’ve already got one of those. Ha! Maybe one day, I’ll post it, but it definitely needs some tweaking. Back in November, when I relaunched this blog, one of my first posts was my first time experience in a yoga class. Some of my motivation came from actually wanting to try it out, but more than that, it was a result of a talk I had with a bestie.

She’d just turned 29. She’d awaken from her last night’s sleep as a 28-year-old and realized she had only 365 more days before the Flirty (or Dirty, take your pick) 30. No, she doesn’t think 30 is the end of the road, but it is a milestone. (Who decided that anyway?). “There are so many things I haven’t done,” she said. “I should make a list.”

So here’s mine in no particular order. Every month, my goal is to check something off of the list.

1. Ride a mechanical bull. Secretly, I’ve been obsessed with it. Don’t ask me why.

2. Sing karaoke. Song of choice: “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green. This shouldn’t be hard seeing as how we have a karaoke event damn near daily here.

3. Go to the shooting range. I’ve been saying since I moved that I was going to take classes for my permit. Haven’t done that yet. I think I need to see how I feel once I shoot a gun before I commit to the class.

4. See Jay-Z live at Madison Square Garden. Okay, so maybe this won’t happen before next year. I’d say this is a Bucket List item, but I figure the more I speak it, the more it’ll become a reality.

Editor’s Note: Wait!!! Maybe it’s not a bucket list item. Click here!! Yankee Stadium is just as good, right?

5. See Teedra Moses in concert–anywhere. At some point this summer, this will happen. End of story.

6. Take a real cooking class. I have no problem admitting that cooking isn’t one of my strong suits. I can do just enough to get by. I’ve thought about going to one of those free community classes, but I hear that’s just not what I’m looking for. I’m actively looking for an ongoing class to attend as I speak.

7. Host something at my house. A year ago today, I officially moved into my home. What a great feeling. Since then, besides the housewarming, I’ve had ZERO shindigs. I’m thinking a Game Night or a small brunch. I have a patio set, a grill and a cute little backyard that just screams, “Come out and play.” My hydrangea bushes have bloomed, so I’m inspired.

8. Wear a hat to church (Am I southern, or what?). Yeah, like a hat and a cutesy dress. Think: Kentucky Derby, instead of Mother Board. This is crazy in itself because (a) I’m not really a hat-wearer and (b) When I think of church hats, I think my grandmother. I’m looooong way away from that. Still, if done properly (I will), it can look elegant and young.

I’m supposed to have 12 things for 12 months, but I’m all out. I’m sure I’ll come with something to get into. Just wanted to post it as a reminder to self. What am I missing? What would be on your list of things to do in a year?

5 Most Depressing Songs I Can Think Of

Today I came across a couple of tweets in my timeline that had something in common. Each of them talked about songs that cause depression to set in. I don’t care who you are, if you love music (like me), you have music categorized in your head, and maybe in your iPod, according to emotion. If I want to dance, I turn on some Missy, Janet, MJ, some old Total and few others. Oh, can’t forget Diddy (gotta do my Diddy bop at some point). If I’m relaxed, I have my Jilly and  Badu.

If I’m feeling lovey dovey, there’s 112, Kels, my crush, The Dream and a ton of old school stuff. If I’m feeling a lil gangsta, there’s any record recorded by a Memphian (Ball & G, 3-6, Gotti) or UGK and Pac. But if I want to lay in my bed in the fetal position, or stare at the walls while sitting Indian style, I have music for that, too. Here’s a very short list of the most depressing songs I can think of off the top of my head. Enjoy…or don’t enjoy.

Where I Wanna Be ~ Donnell Jones

It was 1999, my freshman year of college, and Donnell was hot back then. He dropped this single and we (women) went crazy. For atleast three months straight, every time my suitemate heard the first two notes of that song, she damn near had a nervous break down. And every time I wanted someone to push me down the stairs backwards. Everyone on the planet must have been in fading relationships because it was played nonstop. If hearing this from the one you love doesn’t depress you, I don’t know what will:

Cuz when you love someone, you just don’t treat them bad

Oh, how I feel so sad now that I wanna leave

She’s crying her heart to me.

How could you let this be?

I just need time to see where I wanna be.

You Made a Fool of Me ~Me’Shell N’Degochello

Was I only the one on the verge of tears during the “play for your heart” basketball scene in Love and Basketball?

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when we’re face to face you won’t look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Don’t say don’t touch you I can’t touch you no more
Can’t touch you any more any more
I don’t touch you anymore

(Any song from the My Life album, but specifically) I”m Going Down ~ Mary J. Blige

When I bought My Life at age 14, I was clearly too young to understand what any of those songs meant, but when my friends and I popped that CD in, we turned into 30+ women who’d just been to hell and back…all at the expense of a man. I felt her voice, but I didn’t understand the place she was coming from then. From that point on, if I was feeling “some kinda way,” I turned to My Life, and as depressing as it was, somehow, I always felt better afterward.

Note: I actually DON’T like this song. It’s TOO depressing. This is my one and only “skip” song on My Life.

The Love I Never Had (Mary)

What a Debbie Downer, but oh, so true.

You know sometimes there come a time in your life
When you love something
You have to let it go
And even though you might feel there’s still something there
You have to wake up. Stop living in a dream
Cause it’s over now
You got to think about you

Tough love, huh?

Green Eyes ~ Erykah Badu

This is the break-up song. This song was proof  that even the most intriguing and fabulous get their fair share of heartbreak.

Never knew that love could hurt like this
Never thought I would but i got dissed
Makes me feel so bad and hurt inside
Feel embarrassed so I want to hide

Cause I Love You ~ Lenny Williams

No explanation needed, right? That was a hurt man. Ummph. *rocks back and forth*

I know I missed plenty. Add to the list!