CLUTCH MAGAZINE: How Important Is Your Partner’s Support of Your Passion in a Relationship?

How Important Is Your Partner’s Support of Your Passion in a Relationship?

Can you deal with your honey not caring about what makes your heart sing (provided you know what that thing is)? I’m not talking about that job you’re on the brink of quitting every other day, a shoe collection or your soft obsession with a celebrity, but that thing that you could do every day for free if you had the chance.

If you are a pastry chef or baker, when someone asks your boo what you do, would you feel comfortable if he/she said, “She makes cookies and shit”? If you’re an artist, would dating someone who doesn’t care about your pieces or attend your art exhibits fly with you?

Read more at Clutch.

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Why Play the Crying Game?

On this week’s episode of Love and Hip Hop (Yes, I’m still watching.), Scrappy and his child’s mother, Erica, had a discussion about him dating another woman so soon after they called it quits (which he blatantly lied about, but that’s another story). A little background: They’ve been on and off for 10 years. He’s gotten back with her repeatedly trying to reconcile their past issues, only to move out of their place, break up with her and begin dating his “best friend” all while singing another tune to her. During the conversation, Erica laid out her gripes and even shed tears, which seemed to be out of pure frustration. Scrappy said in his confessional that he couldn’t believe she cried. Finally, she showed some emotion, so he knew she cared. Oh, Scrappy.

I can relate to Erica’s struggle. Years ago, a guy I once really liked told me I had the emotion of a rock. Then, it actually hurt my feelings, but today, it’s pure comedy. I can laugh now because it was true, and even then, I knew I was being “rockish,” but I couldn’t believe that he saw it and called me out.

To scream and yell, throw tantrums and/or cry was a no-no for me. I didn’t see the point, but maybe I hadn’t encountered a situation that would get me that riled up. I was seen as maybe too strong and a no-bullshit-taker, but also as an enigma. Enigmas are no fun, atleast, not after a while. Over time, I understood better. It’s a terrible thing to have feelings for someone, but you can’t read them. They need an affirmation, a touch—something.

This whole “Break down, so I know it’s real” deal though? Nah.

So, you’re saying you need to see a woman literally cry tears, the ugly cry that makes the most beautiful women unattractive to know she cares for you? That she cares about how she’s being treated? True, no one can read minds, but I still don’t buy that way of thinking. It’s backwards. The goal should be NOT to make someone you care about cry or throw fits. You don’t need a woman’s reactions to signal that you’re playing with her emotions or you’re doing wrong. That’s something you know before you even do it.

You want to know how someone feels about you? Ask. Don’t act out to get a reaction out of them. That’s a telltale sign of an immature, even insecure person.

Teach people how to treat you by making your concerns known, yes, but that lesson shouldn’t have to include breakdowns, tears and fighting. For some women, it can eventually come to that point, but it’s usually when she’s had enough, and it’s too late.

For those who think playing these games is some sort of initiation process in relationships, ask yourself if the means is really worth what may wait in the end?

The Chad and Ev Effect: The Double Standard of Violence

I usually don’t address issues like this, but I might as well…quickly.

Following this shocking and outrageous head-butting incident between newlyweds, Chad and Evelyn Johnson, TMZ released Evelyn’s statement today:

“I am deeply disappointed that Chad has failed to take responsibility for his actions and made false accusations against me … It is my sincere hope that he seeks the help he needs to overcome his troubles. Domestic violence is not okay and hopefully my taking a stand will help encourage other women to break their silence as well.”

This may wrinkle some feathers, but this is downright hypocritical.

First things, first: Domestic violence is wrong, no matter who throws the first blow. No one wants to be hit, pushed or handled in such a way that they feel frightened or threatened or physically injured, especially by someone who loves them. I’m not discounting Johnson’s feelings and allegedly experience. I can’t imagine what that feels like. No one, but them were there, so we don’t know what happened.

What matters is the double standard in violence. How crazy is it for a woman who has physically bullied women on camera to condemn the violence committed against her, yet condone and repeat the violence she committed against others?

The same goes for VH1. The network has pulled the couple’s upcoming reality show because of the incident, but when Evelyn was jumping on tables, throwing wine bottles across rooms at women on Basketball Wives, the cameras kept rolling to bring in ratings. Why are they so concerned about image and negative activity now? Violence is violence, right?

Let me be clear: This is not karma, but what’s in us will manifest in various parts of our lives. The dysfunction, the hurt, the unresolved issues and violence is likely come out in thought processes, actions, relationships and friendships. This is not so  much “an eye for an eye” situation as it is a neverending cycle that must be broken.

So while Chad Johnson may need to seek professional help, as Evelyn said in her statement, she needs to seek some, as well. If not, this will serve as yet another life event used to make herself and whoever she comes in contact with miserable.

Thinking Like A Man and Why Relationship Advice Isn’t a Fad

I don’t know what happened within the last couple of years. I guess I wasn’t paying attention because I wasn’t bothered about being the last single Black woman on the planet (too busy having fun), but dishing out relationship advice is the new black. You can’t get away from it, I don’t care how hard you try. Call a friend and he/she is most likely going to bring up a relationship: the one they’re actually in, the one they imagine themselves to be in, that one fake, kinda-like relationship they’re in and out of or the one they’re “preparing” themselves for. Go to any house party or gathering and what goes on between men and women will come up every time.

We live for that stuff, and rightly so. It sparks debate and if you’re like me, you love a good one. It’s intriguing because everyone is going through something similar, but even more different. What are your deal breakers, how long should you date before you become exclusive, how many kids can one have, can you have sex with no strings attached, etc.? You could really talk about relationships forever and two days.

We’re trying to prove that point, and I’m so sick of it. Atleast for now.

Suddenly, there are gazillion relationship experts, and I don’t mean your BFF, Tiffany, who’s been married since she was 19. Everyone from single, married, divorced folks to bloggers, writers and preachers are telling us how to run our business. I guess we wouldn’t need so much counsel if we weren’t always asking for it. Clearly, we need help. Or do we?

Finally, some of the buzz from “Think Like a Man,” a movie loosely based on Steve Harvey’s bestseller “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” has died down. It was a great film and a realistic take on love and dating.

My thoughts on the concept as a whole? I don’t want to think like a man. Period.

I want to empathize with a man. Understand where he’s coming from, but think like him? Nah, I’m good. Women aren’t wired that way, and for good reason. To suggest such is a thing is smart, but it doesn’t make much sense in the long run, and if you want to get technical, suggest that men think like women, also. That ain’t gon’ happen.

Unlike so many of Harvey’s critics, I don’t think he desires to be the Relationship Guru Almighty helping us poor, misguided womenfolk (he’s made his fair share of mistakes himself), but I do think he’s a pretty smart man. He’s making millions by shelling out advice that many women will talk about with our girlfriends, but probably won’t take.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Every person on the planet could write a relationship book  and there would still be someone who has a burning question about what’s going on in her relationship. Why? Because people, especially women, are going to do whatever we want to do when it comes to our mates. You can give us some grand advice with a logical explanation, and we may consider it, but ultimately we’ll do whatever we feel is right at the time.

So as we continue to argue over women implementing the 90-day rule and shacking, etc., we’re still getting nowhere fast. There are some principles in the book that definitely make sense and are true, but I have an issue with relationship advice being conveyed as if all relationships, people and situations are the same. They are not cookie-cutter. Who’s to say that the woman who cheats with a married man will undoubtedly be cheated on in return when/if she gets him? Or that a man or woman who exhibits a behavior pre-relationship can’t change over time? We don’t know that for sure.

If I’m going to read a relationship book, I prefer one that caters to both men and women, like Hill Harper’s The Conversation. If we’re going to thirst for advice, it shouldn’t be so one-sided. Men and women should better understand each other.

The bottom line is this: we love advice and inspiration from experts. Seeing those women in the movie eagerly flip through Harvey’s book is no different from women crowded around televisions to watch Oprah do her thing. It won’t stop, don’t stop. The same problems we deal with today are the same ones they dealt with B.C. As long as that continues, there’s sure to be the need to ask what to do. And of course, there’s always one who will go against the grain and “touch the stove.” The neverending cycle begins again, and there you have it.

It reminds me of Chris Rock’s joke about the government withholding the cure to AIDS/HIV, but instead, selling expensive drugs. “That’s how a drug dealer makes his money…on the comeback.” In the words of the great correctional officer and rapper, Rick Ross, relationship experts will be “rich forever.”

Lessons from Love and Hip Hop

For the past two months, reality television buffs have been engulfed by the second season of Love & Hip Hop —whether we’ve wanted to or not. The original cast of girlfriends, baby mamas and singers-to-be were joined by three more ladies to serve up what we hate to love: DRAMA. From knock-out fights to more drink-throwing, this season held no punches, possibly topping the foolishness of Basketball Wives and Real Housewives of Atlanta. Like clockwork, essays and commentary about how the show falsely represents African-American women swirled around the media. They’re not even married to these men in hip-hop. In fact, this season focused on heartbreak more than love. How about calling the show These Girls Goin’ Through It, instead?

Weekly, I, along with millions, joined in on the Twitter discussion. It went something like this: Where do they find these women?  I mean, us college-educated, employed, “independent” women, we don’t know women like these, right? Wrong. We do. We might one of them. These designer label-wearing glamazons might have gone the extra mile by throwing a blow or some expletives around, but you know someone who’s stayed in a relationship that should’ve ended eons ago. You know someone who has issues in her professional life. You know someone who has “Mama and Daddy issues.” So as much as we’d like to throw the entire cast and producers under the bus, we could learn some universal lessons from these chicks. Feel free to add to the list.

Never mix business with pleasure. Ahem Yandy. Unless you’re in business with your SPOUSE serving up ribs and over the top affection like the Neely’s, feelings and money don’t mix. A friend recently told me that feelings are defined as “an unreasoned opinion or belief,” so many of our emotions can be based on pixie dust, which results making irrational and hasty decisions. You could be left with no money nor honey, all of which is a very bad thing. Sometimes it’s better to use your mind than your heart.

A man will always go to bat for his woman over his homegirl. That is, unless he realized the woman is schizo and needs a way out. Otherwise, no matter how well you “hold him down,” make a way for him to provide for himself and family or be that shoulder to cry on behind closed doors, remember, he sleeps with his woman (even if he sleeps with you, too). She may be crazy, but in some way, she takes care of him and even better, he likes it and loves her. Sorry, honey, but you’ll have to the “L.” It is what it is.

Maturity does have a number. At no point in your 40s (or 30s and shoot, 20s) should you be scrapping like a 7th grader in middle school. It’s just not…sexy. If you  stand on being a real woman, jumping on another woman should be the last option in settling any disagreement. In the end, you look stupid, your makeup is smeared and you probably lost a track or two and one of those earrings you love so much. And we all know having only one earring in a pair is earth shattering. ALWAYS act like a lady.

There’s a fine line between holding on to dreams and being stupid. How many of us have dreams we’d like to fufil, but we know realistically that we have to start from scratch? *raises hand* Yeah, I’d love to quit my job and write full-time, but um, I got bills. I’m a proponent of “stepping out on faith” and not settling, yet, I have to make ends meet, so I pound the pavement Monday through Friday. Also, if an opportunity presents itself, why not show you can rise to the top standing on small beginnings? It beats standing on nothing at all, and the story is much sweeter in the end.

A sense of entitlement will have you looking crazy, but hard work will pay off. “Hey, look at me. You have to sign me to a bomb-ass deal because I sang hooks and put out one song back in 2002. I deserve this!” Sound familiar? Yeah, we can swindle our way out of blessings we think we deserve so much based on old stuff. While you’re complaining and producing mediocre results, that chick up the street is hungry for YOUR (old) spot and is putting in work to get it. (Reference: See Olivia vs. Somaya)

Your issues will deal with you if you don’t deal with them first. 

Everyone’s got atleast one. Some run deeper than others, but if abandonment, self-image and neglect issues haven’t been addressed as early as possible, you could be headed down a dark road. Who knew that seeing mama and daddy fight as a kid could affect your choices in men and how you begin/grow a family? Yes, there is a point where we must take personal responsibility for how we live our lives. Stop blaming others for our mess-ups. However, in doing that, it’s impossible not to figure out why you do what you do. In other words, get some counseling. No judgement here.

Peace of mind is better than lifestyle.

How many women have stayed in relationship to their detriment for fear that if they leave, they’ll be  scrubs (again)? I’m sure zillions, from lily-white multi-millionaires to rap stars and your run-of-the-mill dopeboy around the corner. Comfort does that to you. That job you have is killing you softly and affecting your family life and relationships, yet you stay because of the pay and benefits. Your car note is breaking you,  but driving a Benz feels so…exotic. Same thing with relationships. You can wrap yourself in minks and jewels for the onlookers, but you’re tore up in face from crying. At some point, a clear mind and light heart must win the game. If not, at least you can suffer and look good while you’re doing it. Make a choice.

Be careful who you talk to and who you call “friend.”

Newsflash: Everybody isn’t your friend, and they aren’t concerned about your story as much as they are in simply hearing it. So what, both of ya’ll were latch-key kids and ate cornbread and cold Pop Tarts every day? Just because two people share a common struggle doesn’t mean one won’t use your information against you or broadcast what was supposed to be confidential. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your experiences, as they can help someone else, but choose carefully who you share them with.

Relationships aren’t cookie-cutter.

Shoot me, but I think Chrissy and Jim will get married (eventually). I felt basic as ever as I shed tears when he proposed (I was probably emotional anyway at the time). The next day, his proposal was scrutinized because he didn’t put the ring on her finger, he didn’t get down on one knee, etc. And? That wasn’t his style. Know the person you’re dating and how far they’re likely to go. They’ve been together, and they still haven’t married, so he probably won’t. Huh? Says who? Let’s all do what works for us individually. Hell, some folks like shacking up. Who am I to judge?

Sometimes friends have to remain separate.

Remember that time you tried to hang out with your friends from high school and your new friends from college? Or your friends from work and your friends from around the way? How’d that work out for ya? Actually, in my experience, I didn’t have problems, but the lesson is it’s not our job to be Super Friend and bring everyone together. This is real life, not a “We Are the World” video. We are different things to different people, and realistically everyone won’t like everyone. So, if you must bring two separate groups together, if you sense friction, don’t do a do-over. You’ll be the one the headache, not them.

Dealing With the C-Word

At some point, in a familial, platonic or romantic relationship, whether it’s the demise of one or the fact that one was never cultivated, the c-word is often thrown around: closure.

After a woman goes on that date, answers that phone call or text that, unbeknownst to her, was the last, she often vents on the phone with her girlfriends saying, “I just wanted some closure.” What’s so difficult about ending a relationship on a “good note” by being real and explaining the who’s, what’s, when’s, where’s and why’s? Is it really that hard?

Depends on who you ask.  But that’s another story for another day. *Le sigh*

Actually, there’s no way to end a relationship on a “good note” when one person wants to end it and the other doesn’t. But, let’s just say you were to get that closure you thought you so desperately needed. What then?

The lack of closure, defined as “an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality,” is what keeps us hanging on to situations that are meant to die or atleast be put on hold. They are unsettled, hence, holding the power to keep some hanging in the balance some a while, sometimes for years. For the first time in my life after many, “I’m gonna call you backs” and “I’ll text you laters,” (yes, I’ve been an asshole and left guys hanging, too), I finally got the closure I’d thought I’d deserved for so long, even though I’ve never done the same for anyone else.

It was total blank stare moment.

I wanted to know why and when, and surely, he gave me a few blurred answers, but an explanation nonetheless. At that moment, there wasn’t much to do with the information provided but blink a few times, and say, “Umm, okay.” All that wishing and wanting for this so-called closure only rendered a two-word response (well, maybe it was a bit more than that)! It was much appreciated, but it wasn’t all I hoped it would be. Unlike I’d imagined, it didn’t give me the magical go-ahead to move on, nor did it make me feel any differently about the situation. I guess I was just happy to get it because I’d never gotten it before. There’s really a first time for everything.

I swirled our closure conversation around in my mind more than a few times. Since I’m a woman, I came up with a few theories of my own. I can’t say that wondering why he felt the way he did was any better than wondering why it ended had he not talked to me about it. As my grandmother would say, “It’s just one of dem thangs.”

So, in short, because we’re human, we’ll always have questions, even when we can deal with the outcomes. And that’s okay. I take nothing away from men and women who were abandoned by or lost their parents or loved ones, significant others, etc., who really feel they need answers to make sense of this crazy thing called life. Though we don’t always get them, we all definitely deserve them. For me though, closure was more of a courtesy than a ticket to reconciliation and contentment. I am the only one who can control my reaction to it all, which ultimately affects my happiness.

He Says, She Says: A Relationship Tug-of-War

She Says

I’m 32 years young, single and vibrant. There are no signs of age anywhere on my face or body. I’m fortunate enough to visit Sephora only for the latest NARS products, instead of eyelift creams and skin tighteners.

I have traveled with friends all over, partying in and with the best. My passport was stamped nearly 10 years ago thanks to my fabulous and favorite aunt, Jackie. She made me apply for a summer abroad in China when I was scared shitless to fly across three states to and from college, let alone across the Atlantic Ocean. It’s been on since then.

I’m a cultured girl who can swag out at the club, yet still enjoy a ballet or play. I love black romance comedies, though they are few in number, and I can quote any noteworthy film in Black cinema, including Blaxploitation movies like Superfly and Willie Dynamite.

My bank account is never overdrawn, and despite the excessive shopping, I still manage to maintain a healthy savings account. There are still times, more often than not, that I love coming home to my empty condo. I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. If I want to lay around watching Meryl Streep movies until tears roll into each of my ears or put on a one-woman fashion show with the designer clothes that bulge from my closet, I can do that. Life is indeed, good, but something is missing.

You guessed it: A man. I want to be married. Well, someday. It seems like it’s happening for everyone else.

I, along with millions of other African-American women, want to be married, but it seems to be a dream deferred. I’m not so naïve that I don’t know what the problem is. It isn’t me; it’s them. They’re simply not ready, but they should be by now!

I don’t understand how full-grown men continue to do the same things they’ve done since age 18: play video games, club constantly and sleep with as many women as their stamina will allow. Am I crazy for feeling like I’ve done everything there is to do except the very thing that matters most? A committed relationship isn’t be the be-all and end-all of my life. I have so many other things I’ve yet to do and see, but I want to share my future with someone else.

Kanye West said it best in “I Wonder” from his Graduation album, “On that independent shit/Trade it all for a husband and some kids.” I love me some Yeezy, but damn, I wish he wasn’t right about this one.

So where does that leave women like me who know their worth and aren’t willing to take the first man we see? Are we really expected to wait around until they’ve sown their wild oats and mastered every Madden game? Call me impatient, but I want what I want now. I think I’ve waited long enough. What’s a girl to do?

 

He Says

Wait, did you say marriage? You and my mama have been talking, right? Everything has a season, but I don’t think this is mine for marriage. I’m 34-years-old with a pretty decent job that didn’t happen overnight. Here’s something women don’t understand about men, mainly me: I can love you through and through, trust you and actually want you to be my wife…one day. But, there’s this factor called financial stability.

Marriage is a huge responsibility, and it takes money. While the woman is salivating over wedding dresses and place settings, we are looking far ahead into the future. How will we provide for you and us? What about kids? Can we maintain our lifestyles? It took me years to land a job with real earning potential, which would even allow the thought of marriage to cross my mind. Now I’m well into my 30s and the world has cracked wide open for me.

You have no idea the advantage a 30-something single man with a good job and no children has in dating. My boys and I call it “The Glow” because women see it and flock to it. They’ve fallen for the man shortage statistics, so they all go for the guy with “The Glow.” There seems to be only a small percentage of us, but really, women just aren’t looking in the right places.

So, when a woman or two—or three treat me as if I’m their man exclusively, I let them. They know from the beginning that I don’t want to be in a relationship. They go along with it only because they believe they can change my mind. I mean what I say, and there aren’t enough home-cooked meals or Kama Sutra positions to change that.

The truth is I’d love to find that woman I can spend the rest of my life with. My kid would have my wife’s eyes, my mama’s knack for making anyone feel at home or my strong work ethic. Maybe I’d have all that by now, but the one woman I truly loved told me, contrary to my thinking, our long-term relationship had an expiration date. I didn’t want to, but my pride let it expire anyway without a fight.

What’s the big rush to get married anyway? It’s way too many other things to do besides getting married one person, sleeping with that one person forever and having a house full of kids who will probably run me crazy. There’s a life to live and money to be made. I think women need to calm down, and just be patient. To the women I’m dating who want to be with me exclusively, unfortunately, I’m just not ready. I’m enjoying everything the universe has for me. I won’t be made to do anything by anyone. It’s not an issue of selfishness, but an issue of coping with the truth.I hope when I am ready to settle down, there’s someone left for me to love. I doubt I have that problem though. The world is mine.

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In a society where African-American men and women are pitted against each other in media and real-life relationships, conversation about our lives and how mates will fit into them is imperative. Are the differences in our thinking attributed to a cultural shift or was John Gray right when he penned Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Each gender clearly struggles with its own issues which, in fact, could be simply be the distinct differences in the X and Y-chromosomes. This tug of war begs the most important question of all: Will we ever learn to compromise or will we continue to witness the demise of the African-American relationship?

Lazy in Love

I’m too tired from my birthday weekend to post, so in the meantime, check out my new piece on UPTOWN Magazine. Just because you can meet someone, date, dump and divorce a significant other just by “pointing and clicking” doesn’t mean you have to. Read “Lazy in Love” to find out the trends in “electronic relationships.”

*Photo courtesy of UPTOWN Magazine

Ask This Guy (Again)

If you haven’t already, meet this guy.  He’s a 30-something single  professional who wants to help the ladies out by giving us the (sometimes harsh) truth about relationships and sex.  I’ll be posting questions and answers periodically. If you have a question, email BecauseISaidSoBlog@gmail.com.

Note: Are some of these answers new concepts? Maybe, maybe not. But as long as we continue to ask the same questions, we just might not find out anything new. Keep in mind, that when one is in love, he/she might not see clearly. What’s obvious to you may not be the person inquiring. Now, on to the second round of questions. (Don’t shoot the messenger–me!)

To those men who are afraid of commitment, why are you?

I don’t think there is really a FEAR of commitment, but more of a rationalization among men that it’s in their best interest NOT to commit. For example, a single woman  in her 30s is almost always ready to get married, like yesterday!  She might have been loose all through the streets from ages 16 to 29, but now that she is searching for a husband, she has an entirely new set of rules, regulations and guidelines for the guy she is going to date.  (“He has to have this, he can’t do that” No sex until 2 months and all kind of dumb rules that she made up.)

On the flip side, a man in his 30s is still listening to rap music and playing Playstation 3. If he took care of his business, he should now have more money, common sense and swag than he has ever had. He isn’t too old to date a 23-year-old and isn’t too young to date a 37-year-old. So when he is given the option (a) Commit to me, and jump through all of these hoops to gain my affection, or (b) Stay Single and date all the pretty women you want and don’t do anything you don’t feel like doing…it’s an obvious choice. Why would he do all that work for YOU when there are a gang of women that are willing to work for HIM?

The dating game has shifted, and this is a MAN’s market now. If sisters would lighten up on some of their requirements and expectations, maybe they wouldn’t have such a hard time getting a man to commit to them. Every single thing that YOU won’t do for him, there are literally 10 other women BEGGING to do them for him, if he is indeed a “good” man. It seems like every woman wants to give 100 percent to something and feels a void if there is nothing or no one she can focus all her energies on. Often a man doesn’t need 100 percent to be completely happy in a committed relationship, so about 85 percent is sufficient for most active men.

Conflict about commitment will always arise when a woman gives 100 percent and expects the same in return, because she may be expecting it from someone who doesn’t have it to give to a relationship because they choose to focus on other projects.

How do you make the decision to propose to a woman? What makes you do it?

There really isn’t a single methodology that a man uses when he decides to propose. He just knows that it’s his time to take the next step. He does it because he knows that’s what his woman desires, and he has decided to do all in his power to make her happy. 

How do men really feel about interracial dating or social interactions with women of other cultures, etc.?

Most men would love to date and interact with women of other cultures. Black women seem to frown upon men who find mates who aren’t black women. Quite frankly, a lot of those women are easier to get along with on a daily basis, less demanding, more forgiving and giving than a “typical” black woman. A lot of those women are more attractive, as well. If given the choice, about 99 percent of black men would choose to date a woman of another culture if for no reason other than she is “different” from what all the other guys have.

How important is God in your life?

God plays various roles in the lives of men. One of the qualities that women list when they discuss “good” men is “God fearing”. However, a lot of those very same women don’t “fear” God themselves.  A man doesn’t have to be a devout believer to be a “good” man. He may do everything that you want him to do except go to church every Sunday and for some women that is a deal breaker. No person is perfect, and belief in God and regular Sunday church attendance is a “learned’ behavior. As long as he treats you right, you should ease him into regular Sunday attendance if that is important to you.

 Why can’t men take honesty when they ask questions?

A man (not a boy in men’s clothing) can accept honesty and won’t ask you a question he isn’t prepared to accept your answer to. If he doesn’t want you to be honest or doesn’t “accept” honesty when he asks you a question, then there is work within himself that needs to be done. He may also not be being completely honest with you when you ask him a question.

 What makes you bored in a relationship?

 Boredom comes from doing the same things with the same person over and over again. Getting caught up in a routine is not good for any relationship. If he knows you are only going to have sex with him on Friday night and Sunday morning before church, he is going to eventually become frustrated that he can’t do it on a Wednesday or Saturday. Always having to handle “family” business and not having time or money to do anything just for the sake of fun is definitely boredom. Switch up the routine from time to time to keep the fun in your relationship. Do active things! Going to the movies is NOT active..lol. Role play! Go out of Town! Anything aside from the normal routine will fight off his boredom with the relationship.

Ask This Guy: Straight, No Chaser

We had a great date. Why didn’t he call? Why does he only text me? Why won’t he open up to me? On and on….Ugh. Ladies, we’ve all been there at some point. Most of the time, we’ll vent to besties or other loved ones, but rarely do we go to straight to the source: the man. Since when can a woman give you authentic insight into what a man is really thinking? We think too differently about a lot of issues, though we may want the same things. Lately, we’ve been advised to tell ourselves, “He’s just not that into me,” but deep down, we still want an explanation…for everything. Maybe we’re programmed that way.

Meet this guy.

“Half are gonna hate; the other half will want to date.”

He’s a 30-something single  professional who wants to help the ladies out. If you ever want things from a male perspective, no chaser—talk to him. I’ll be posting questions and answers periodically. If you have a question, email BecauseISaidSoBlog@gmail.com.

Women, I hope you’re sitting down for this one:

1. What is going on with a guy when he only wants to take you on free dates?

He is either cheap, broke or spending his money on the next chick. However, do you have a good time on the date? Who ever said a guy has to spend money to have a good time on a date? Look at how you feel when you go out with him, not how much he spends. What have you paid for?  A walk in the park and a visit to the “free” art gallery is a great date with the right person.

2. How much weight do you put on physical beauty?

A LOT! One of the primary needs of a man is to have an attractive spouse. Men are visual creatures, and the more attractive a woman is, the more men are willing to do in order to get and keep her attention.  It’s one thing if a Beyonce cusses you out when you get home for leaving a bowl on the counter, instead of in the dishwasher. It’s another when a woman who looks like Gabby Sidebe woman does the same thing.

The more attractive a woman is, the easier it is for a man to overlook and even ignore some of the things she does that he doesn’t like, the more men seek after her and are willing to jump through a few “hoops” to conquer her. Men are not wired to be as emotional as women, so there MUST be some type of physical attraction for a man to be really into you. On the other hand, you will see women flock to even the most unattractive men, if they are financially well off. You might not personally do it, but there is an endless supply of attractive women waiting for EVERY rich guy somewhere, even if he has one eye like a Cyclops. A woman can fake it to get the financial benefits. Beauty is so important to a man however, you will rarely see guys put up with an extremely unattractive woman, even if she is wealthy.

However, ATTITUDE is what can make or break your looks. A woman with a nice attitude can easily upgrade her overall looks from a 5 to a 7 or 8 and be desired by a man. A woman with a bitchy attitude can downgrade herself as well, because Men know that God didn’t stop making fine women when he made you, so if you have a bad attitude, we don’t care how good you look, a real man isn’t gonna deal with that shit.

3. Why do nice men like bitchy women?

No one likes bitchy women! Sometimes guys allow women to get away with things because of something they may be getting in return, so one never can tell exactly why a guy puts up with the woman that just won’t stop bitchin’. I can say for sure he doesn’t like it, but somehow must have found a “happy place” to escape to to allow him to continue to deal with her.

4. Why can’t men see past a woman’s past?

Unfortunately all dirty deeds can’t be forgiven. If you were gang bang girl back in college and he finds out about it, it’s probably going to be hard for him to get over. Every guy wants to have “a” freak but no guy wants to be seen around with “the” freak. It demeans your value for a guy to know that you have slept with several people that he is acquainted with. The guy should not expect you to be a virgin, but he doesn’t want to hold your hand in a room full of guys that have you as a notch on their belts either. Wars have been fought over the chastity and value of a woman, so if everybody has had their way with you, how can a guy be proud to have you? Do you want a pair of shoes that seven of your girlfriends have worn?  However, unless your past is directly thrown up in his face repeatedly, if you are good enough to him, he will be able to overlook it because 10 times out of 10, he isn’t perfect either.

5. How do you know when she’s “The One”?

Men often commit to a woman when they feel that they won’t be able to get any better than what they have. She is deemed “The One” after he has mentally compared her to every other woman he has been with and has crossed referenced their flaws, as well as their accolades. If he then feels like it will be hard for him to find another woman with the same credentials as the one that he has, then he will stay with her. A bird in hand is worth ten in the bush.

Sometimes its not even a matter of the woman actually being “The One.” Sometimes she is just the Last One standing..LOL Tentatively speaking, a man will only get married when he is: 1) Is tired of the dating game, and he has found a woman he can tolerate (or is willing to tolerate him) 2) When he has found a woman that is out of his league, and he knows he will never find one better. 3) When he has been with a girl so long he may have no other choice but to marry her or lose her all together. 4) When his stock of females starts to plummet, and becomes afraid he may end up alone and  5) My favorite: When he is honestly in love with her.