Ask This Guy (Again)

If you haven’t already, meet this guy.  He’s a 30-something single  professional who wants to help the ladies out by giving us the (sometimes harsh) truth about relationships and sex.  I’ll be posting questions and answers periodically. If you have a question, email BecauseISaidSoBlog@gmail.com.

Note: Are some of these answers new concepts? Maybe, maybe not. But as long as we continue to ask the same questions, we just might not find out anything new. Keep in mind, that when one is in love, he/she might not see clearly. What’s obvious to you may not be the person inquiring. Now, on to the second round of questions. (Don’t shoot the messenger–me!)

To those men who are afraid of commitment, why are you?

I don’t think there is really a FEAR of commitment, but more of a rationalization among men that it’s in their best interest NOT to commit. For example, a single woman  in her 30s is almost always ready to get married, like yesterday!  She might have been loose all through the streets from ages 16 to 29, but now that she is searching for a husband, she has an entirely new set of rules, regulations and guidelines for the guy she is going to date.  (“He has to have this, he can’t do that” No sex until 2 months and all kind of dumb rules that she made up.)

On the flip side, a man in his 30s is still listening to rap music and playing Playstation 3. If he took care of his business, he should now have more money, common sense and swag than he has ever had. He isn’t too old to date a 23-year-old and isn’t too young to date a 37-year-old. So when he is given the option (a) Commit to me, and jump through all of these hoops to gain my affection, or (b) Stay Single and date all the pretty women you want and don’t do anything you don’t feel like doing…it’s an obvious choice. Why would he do all that work for YOU when there are a gang of women that are willing to work for HIM?

The dating game has shifted, and this is a MAN’s market now. If sisters would lighten up on some of their requirements and expectations, maybe they wouldn’t have such a hard time getting a man to commit to them. Every single thing that YOU won’t do for him, there are literally 10 other women BEGGING to do them for him, if he is indeed a “good” man. It seems like every woman wants to give 100 percent to something and feels a void if there is nothing or no one she can focus all her energies on. Often a man doesn’t need 100 percent to be completely happy in a committed relationship, so about 85 percent is sufficient for most active men.

Conflict about commitment will always arise when a woman gives 100 percent and expects the same in return, because she may be expecting it from someone who doesn’t have it to give to a relationship because they choose to focus on other projects.

How do you make the decision to propose to a woman? What makes you do it?

There really isn’t a single methodology that a man uses when he decides to propose. He just knows that it’s his time to take the next step. He does it because he knows that’s what his woman desires, and he has decided to do all in his power to make her happy. 

How do men really feel about interracial dating or social interactions with women of other cultures, etc.?

Most men would love to date and interact with women of other cultures. Black women seem to frown upon men who find mates who aren’t black women. Quite frankly, a lot of those women are easier to get along with on a daily basis, less demanding, more forgiving and giving than a “typical” black woman. A lot of those women are more attractive, as well. If given the choice, about 99 percent of black men would choose to date a woman of another culture if for no reason other than she is “different” from what all the other guys have.

How important is God in your life?

God plays various roles in the lives of men. One of the qualities that women list when they discuss “good” men is “God fearing”. However, a lot of those very same women don’t “fear” God themselves.  A man doesn’t have to be a devout believer to be a “good” man. He may do everything that you want him to do except go to church every Sunday and for some women that is a deal breaker. No person is perfect, and belief in God and regular Sunday church attendance is a “learned’ behavior. As long as he treats you right, you should ease him into regular Sunday attendance if that is important to you.

 Why can’t men take honesty when they ask questions?

A man (not a boy in men’s clothing) can accept honesty and won’t ask you a question he isn’t prepared to accept your answer to. If he doesn’t want you to be honest or doesn’t “accept” honesty when he asks you a question, then there is work within himself that needs to be done. He may also not be being completely honest with you when you ask him a question.

 What makes you bored in a relationship?

 Boredom comes from doing the same things with the same person over and over again. Getting caught up in a routine is not good for any relationship. If he knows you are only going to have sex with him on Friday night and Sunday morning before church, he is going to eventually become frustrated that he can’t do it on a Wednesday or Saturday. Always having to handle “family” business and not having time or money to do anything just for the sake of fun is definitely boredom. Switch up the routine from time to time to keep the fun in your relationship. Do active things! Going to the movies is NOT active..lol. Role play! Go out of Town! Anything aside from the normal routine will fight off his boredom with the relationship.

Ask This Guy: Straight, No Chaser

We had a great date. Why didn’t he call? Why does he only text me? Why won’t he open up to me? On and on….Ugh. Ladies, we’ve all been there at some point. Most of the time, we’ll vent to besties or other loved ones, but rarely do we go to straight to the source: the man. Since when can a woman give you authentic insight into what a man is really thinking? We think too differently about a lot of issues, though we may want the same things. Lately, we’ve been advised to tell ourselves, “He’s just not that into me,” but deep down, we still want an explanation…for everything. Maybe we’re programmed that way.

Meet this guy.

“Half are gonna hate; the other half will want to date.”

He’s a 30-something single  professional who wants to help the ladies out. If you ever want things from a male perspective, no chaser—talk to him. I’ll be posting questions and answers periodically. If you have a question, email BecauseISaidSoBlog@gmail.com.

Women, I hope you’re sitting down for this one:

1. What is going on with a guy when he only wants to take you on free dates?

He is either cheap, broke or spending his money on the next chick. However, do you have a good time on the date? Who ever said a guy has to spend money to have a good time on a date? Look at how you feel when you go out with him, not how much he spends. What have you paid for?  A walk in the park and a visit to the “free” art gallery is a great date with the right person.

2. How much weight do you put on physical beauty?

A LOT! One of the primary needs of a man is to have an attractive spouse. Men are visual creatures, and the more attractive a woman is, the more men are willing to do in order to get and keep her attention.  It’s one thing if a Beyonce cusses you out when you get home for leaving a bowl on the counter, instead of in the dishwasher. It’s another when a woman who looks like Gabby Sidebe woman does the same thing.

The more attractive a woman is, the easier it is for a man to overlook and even ignore some of the things she does that he doesn’t like, the more men seek after her and are willing to jump through a few “hoops” to conquer her. Men are not wired to be as emotional as women, so there MUST be some type of physical attraction for a man to be really into you. On the other hand, you will see women flock to even the most unattractive men, if they are financially well off. You might not personally do it, but there is an endless supply of attractive women waiting for EVERY rich guy somewhere, even if he has one eye like a Cyclops. A woman can fake it to get the financial benefits. Beauty is so important to a man however, you will rarely see guys put up with an extremely unattractive woman, even if she is wealthy.

However, ATTITUDE is what can make or break your looks. A woman with a nice attitude can easily upgrade her overall looks from a 5 to a 7 or 8 and be desired by a man. A woman with a bitchy attitude can downgrade herself as well, because Men know that God didn’t stop making fine women when he made you, so if you have a bad attitude, we don’t care how good you look, a real man isn’t gonna deal with that shit.

3. Why do nice men like bitchy women?

No one likes bitchy women! Sometimes guys allow women to get away with things because of something they may be getting in return, so one never can tell exactly why a guy puts up with the woman that just won’t stop bitchin’. I can say for sure he doesn’t like it, but somehow must have found a “happy place” to escape to to allow him to continue to deal with her.

4. Why can’t men see past a woman’s past?

Unfortunately all dirty deeds can’t be forgiven. If you were gang bang girl back in college and he finds out about it, it’s probably going to be hard for him to get over. Every guy wants to have “a” freak but no guy wants to be seen around with “the” freak. It demeans your value for a guy to know that you have slept with several people that he is acquainted with. The guy should not expect you to be a virgin, but he doesn’t want to hold your hand in a room full of guys that have you as a notch on their belts either. Wars have been fought over the chastity and value of a woman, so if everybody has had their way with you, how can a guy be proud to have you? Do you want a pair of shoes that seven of your girlfriends have worn?  However, unless your past is directly thrown up in his face repeatedly, if you are good enough to him, he will be able to overlook it because 10 times out of 10, he isn’t perfect either.

5. How do you know when she’s “The One”?

Men often commit to a woman when they feel that they won’t be able to get any better than what they have. She is deemed “The One” after he has mentally compared her to every other woman he has been with and has crossed referenced their flaws, as well as their accolades. If he then feels like it will be hard for him to find another woman with the same credentials as the one that he has, then he will stay with her. A bird in hand is worth ten in the bush.

Sometimes its not even a matter of the woman actually being “The One.” Sometimes she is just the Last One standing..LOL Tentatively speaking, a man will only get married when he is: 1) Is tired of the dating game, and he has found a woman he can tolerate (or is willing to tolerate him) 2) When he has found a woman that is out of his league, and he knows he will never find one better. 3) When he has been with a girl so long he may have no other choice but to marry her or lose her all together. 4) When his stock of females starts to plummet, and becomes afraid he may end up alone and  5) My favorite: When he is honestly in love with her.